Dear Albanian Women

How are women viewed in the Albanian community?

If this was before 1999 I would simply say they were viewed as submissive, subordinate to their male counterpart, conservative, traditional and so on but after hundreds and thousands of Albanian families had to flee from Kosovo in the 90s, I think todays Albanian women are viewed a lot differently and that predominantly is due to where they live, economic status, the rise in digital media etc. In my opinion I think there are two types of Albanian women currently. We have the conservative ones who stick to their roles. I say “conservative” very lightly for them because even through they stick to a majority of “traditional roles” they do break some barriers. They are the ones who for example are virgins until marriage don’t go to school/drop out early, marry who their family wants (usually an Albanian guy) have kids soon after . They do the majority of the cooking and cleaning Let their husband work/they are stay at home moms These are just some examples of what I believe our current conservative Albanian women go through and how they are viewed by the Albanian community. The other type of Albanian woman are the complete opposite. These women are the new millennial generation a majority of them have either fled to the USA or other parts of Western Europe or were born there. Their different views actually start at a very young age examples include… Have friends who are not Albanian Go to a school that teaches them other roles and what they could be capable of. Have conflict with their traditional families Have boyfriends before marriage Take school as a priority graduate With bachelors or working towards a masters degree. If not school than they focus on their passion for work. They marry at a later age  They move out of their family home before marriage They marry outside the Albanian community They are usually the ones with the biggest struggles just because they are always trying to break away multiple barriers that have been set by them by their family members and the traditional Albanian community.  This isn’t to say that Albanian women in Albania & Kosovo haven’t changed because I traveled to Kosovo this summer  (haven’t been there since 2010) and I noticed a huge difference in them compared to 10 years ago but again the amount of differences still is more conservative than Albanian women in other parts of the world. 

You’re raised the “Albanian way” do you think being raised this way set you back in some situations and how has it helped you?

When I was a young teen I would say yes! there were many times I was invited to things from my friends or asked to stay late or spend the night (normal for American friends to do) or asked to go on dates but I wasn’t allowed to. But I was always trying to break away from that and would sneak out or still go out even when I was told not to (typical careless teen) since I was 13 years old! Which is what had caused a lot of conflict with my traditional Albanian parents. It was only when I hit my 20s and went to college that I would consider myself more “free” I had my first non- Albanian boyfriend, i moved  out of my parents home before marriage, and quit the job that my parents wanted to me pursue and instead went for my passion in the fashion/retail business.

How have you persevered from the “Albanian norms” mentality/views?

the Albanian norms that I tried to break away from led me to talk about these issues on YouTube channel. Little did I know that there were soooo many Albanian woman going through the same things and after they watched my videos I would get hundreds of messages asking for advice or they would tell me their stories. As much as the old Albanian culture has made me resent it for a very long time, once I hit my 20s I finally learned to embrace who I am and not hide where I’ve came from even though I still don’t hold to a lot of traditions and customs. Although Albanian women have had it very rough for many years I still saw the new generation (us) as the ones who would create a new and better future for the future albanian generation. This is what has led me to create Cukletta (a new generation) . It started with a simple idea from my basement, getting Albanian women involved, and after seeing the lack in prideful clothing for Albanian woman I’ve decided to create it myself.

What would you say to a younger you?

Gosh! I would say to not worry because all those issues you were crying about, those times you felt trapped and didn’t know who you were…those are going to be the things you will use to help others. 

-Zejnije

How are women viewed in the Albanian community?

It is hard to be a woman in Albania. I have been one of the lucky ones to be raised by a father that has empowered me and my sisters to become strong, independent, and not take shit from anybody. However, I have been surrounded by friends that were controlled and told what to do by their fathers or brothers. I have been surrounded by friends that are expected to be married by the age of 22 after college etc. Women are expected to do certain things in the Albanian community like go to school, study, do chores and clean the house, cook, and have babies. Women are viewed as an asset in which men fight to have the virgin one but still go and mess and play with someone else’s life. Boys will be boys is the most common thing you will hear about a boy because it is an Albanian excuse of all their actions. I would say that a lot has changed but it is a transition that will take time.

How have you persevered from the “Albanian norms” mentality/views?

I would say I have some of them. When it comes to cleaning, and dressing appropriately depending on the environment, and speaking within the norms, and being nice to others. As an Albanian living in the US I have tried to preserve all the good things about being an Albanian and I have tried to erase all the homophobia, racist ideas, unneeded stubbornness, ‘men lead a women’,  and all the other things that set the whole Albania as a nation back.

You’re raised the “Albanian way” do you think being raised this way set you back in some situations and how has it helped you?

I have come to the realization that stupid men are afraid of strong women because they can’t control them. Being raised the Albanian Way has definitely helped me with becoming stronger. I have also learned that men in Albania are so immature and think they can have any women they want and with this I have learned to not be easy. It has set me back when it comes to caring how my house looks like and if anything is clean, caring what others think of me, always trying to make the right thing so that I make my parents and all my relatives proud. It has set me back on how I view my body and my sexuality and It has definitely set me back on experiencing life the way I want to because because there are things that a good girl can’t do.

What would you say to a younger you?

To a younger me I would say: You do you baby girl! I was so afraid what people would think of me or how much shame I would bring to my family if I did certain things. I for sure lived a good life but there are things that I wish I had done with an open mind and without letting my “neighbors” or anybody else’s judgment affect some of my behavior.  

-Fotini Kristuli

How are women viewed in the Albanian community?

I feel as if Albanian women are viewed as slaves. We are supposed to cook, clean, have children with no help. While men expect us to wait on them and their family as their servants.

How have you persevered from the “Albanian norms” mentality/views?

I try to keep my culture alive by celebrating at parties for my church and other traditional ways like weddings but other than that I am Americanized.

What would you say to a younger you?

Talk to your parents more about what is happening around you so they could understand. As I got older I opened up to them a lot about what I’ve witnessed in school etc. That is how they started trusting me and seeing that I wasn’t influenced by others decision. I was my own person.

You’re raised the “Albanian way” do you think being raised this way set you back in some situations and how has it helped you?

My parents allowed me to do some things, but one thing that bothered them was having people come over or me going over people’s houses. I never had a sleepover at my/friends house and same with parties. It’s not that they didn’t trust me but in a way I understood that first generation here they were very nervous to let me experience certain things. There could be so many dangers for example, how could they trust me if everyone drinks, smokes, pops pills and drives underage? How could they trust someone else’s family if I slept over? Their parents could have an unhealthy relationship, and we hear many stories about “family friends” distant cousins or uncle that abused someone in the family.

-Anonymous

How are women viewed in the Albanian community?

In my opinion and from what I’ve seen women are viewed as less. We are supposed to be dependant of a man. First, by our fathers then by our husbands. We are taught to be good, and good means how other people view you as a female. You are depended on others people’s views of you to to be worthy enough, for a man to marry you. That is the goal, marriage. Instead, the goal of raising a daughter should be independence, taking care of yourself, being successful and not tie your feet to a husband. You can get an education, a job that if he or anyone wants to tie you down to cooking/cleaning and just raising the kids you could walk right out and be happy with your dreams, goals and simply a happy life being you!

How have you persevered from the “Albanian norms” mentality/views?

I have persevered from the Albanian norms by hanging out with different nationalities. I surrounded myself with Hispanics and Americans I wanted to learn what it meant to be free and happy. That is the first step and the last step that threw me into the world with the confidence of a new women was a book called “Girl Wash your Face” by Rachel Hollis. This book verbatim listed lies I told myself such as “I’ll start tomorrow” and I never did. This book also freed me from “what people thought of me” this book helped me find myself and who I was, and not what I was supposed to be.

You’re raised the “Albanian way” do you think being raised this way set you back in some situations and how has it helped you?

I was born and raised in Albania, so moving here when I was 12 years old was a hard to get use to the “American way.” I was a shy, people pleaser because I wanted to be good (look at what good means on the prior paragraph.) Being shy and that people pleaser led to bullying in middle school, because if I was different and if they didn’t like me it was my fault! Being raised the “Albanian way” I dealt with depression in middle/highschool I would sleep my days off and to this day I deal with anxiety. I fear trying new things, I fear not reaching my full potential because I already missed so many years of my life due to being raised the Albanian way. Staying home, can’t go out with my friends because my parents didn’t know their parents “are their parents divorced” ” I can’t get you I’m working” etc. I missed in building relationships with my parents/friends, football games, experiences and so much more. The only thing it has helped me with is being strong and not giving up when it gets hard because my parents started at zero and they have built a material life most would kill for.

What would you say to a younger you?

Rebel, go for it, you’re missing out, you’ll have no memories to cherish, have fun, be happy, who cares what they think of you… I have too much to say but I am glad I was raised that way because I am the way I am because of it!

-Romina Bojaxhi

How are women viewed in the Albanian community?

Our community is sexist. In most Albanian families, women and men are treated completely different. They’re seen as an “object”, and are expected to do as told. We gotta cook, clean, raise the kids, stay home, not voice our opinion, etc etc. We are seen as the weak gender, when in fact we are the STRONGEST. Growing up in a negative environment has played a role in our anxiety, depression, and trauma, but it has also made us stronger and ready to break this toxic cycle. 

How have you persevered from the “Albanian norms” mentality/views?

One day I will get married and have children ( who might not be 100% Albanian) and I will make sure they know our history, traditions, dances, and language but that is it. Thankfully, my parents don’t really put that much importance on marrying inside the culture, so there is one way I have been able to escape that Albanian mentality. Knowing I am not limited to my own people. Also, you know how a women is supposed to cook and clean? That was never imposed on me either. There have been times where my dad has cooked, my brother washed the dishes, while I just relaxed after a long day at school/work. I no longer care about no Albanian and their backwards mentality. I only want around me Albanians who don’t think like one. 

What would you say to a younger you?

Life is good. Don’t stress. Be happy! Laugh more, don’t be so hard on yourself. 

TO ALL MY ALBANIAN WOMEN OUT THERE: DON’T EVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS TO PLEASE A MAN. ALWAYS PUT YOUR CAREER FIRST. CUT OFF ALL NEGATIVE PEOPLE AND SURROUND YOURSELF BY PEOPLE WHO ARE CONTRIBUTING PEACE, LOVE AND HAPPINESS IN YOUR LIFE. WORK HARD, FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN, RAISE YOUR VOICE, BE HAPPY, BE INDEPENDENT. YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO AND I AM AN EXAMPLE OF THAT. 

You’re raised the “Albanian way” do you think being raised this way set you back in some situations and how has it helped you?

Well, I was and was not raised the “Albanian way”. I am a very unique case. I was born and raised in Albania. I moved in New York recently and yet my family is very open-minded in certain things compare to others. For example, I am allowed to marry outside race, ethnicity and religion. Crazy, isn’t it? I know they’d prefer an Albanian, but knowing that I have my family support if I don’t end up marrying one, makes me so happy. I also like that they never put pressure on me or my sister when it comes to marriage, but they did put a lot of pressure when it came to our education. My parents spend every single day of their lives talking about the importance of getting a degree, a better job and a better life. Although I am happy they supported me with my career choices, sometimes I feel like it was a bit “toxic”. Let me explain… I worked 40+ hours a week, graduated college with almost a perfect GPA, studied for my LSAT for hours, yet I ain’t hear them ever say they were proud of me… they always expect more and more, and its draining. I know I am capable of doing more, but hearing them say that would’ve been nice. During my college years I worked as a manager in a retail store and all I heard was “aty do rrish gjithmone?”, “Pse nuk kerko per me mire”, “x,y,z is still in college and doing that”. Now, you think I wanted to be in a store? Of course not. I did want to find something in my career, but it was not easy. I say “unique case” because they still didn’t raise me any different from my brother, and I am grateful for that. The only issue that has caused me anxiety and depression is the PRESSURE they put on me for the past 5 years. It was very distressing and it made my anxiety worse. 

-Kejsi